Snut snut – the book

Chapter 1

Angry dinosaurs flooded the auditorium halls.

I cleared my throat.

“Look I know this might be hard for you to hear.”

A brontosaurus sneezed all over the stage since his (or her) head was practically on the stage seeing as they were sat in the front row and their massive neck pushed their head onto the stage.

A T-Rex sniggered.

I continued.

“However it is true. You guys are going to be extinct because of a meteor.”

A pachiosaurus sniggered:

“We’ve heard your speil. Dinos are dumb and were all going to die. Very fucking funny.”

“Did you come here just to heckle me?”

“Yes.”

“Leave.”

The pachiosaurus ran at full speed head first into the nearest wall blasting a hole through it. Several of the other pachiosaurs looked disgusted. Maybe it was because it had smashed through wall. No, it was because it looked suspiciously like he did what I just said. They needn’t worry, I’m certain it was just because he wanted to smash something up.

I took a deep breath.

“So while it is true that when I first came here I just wanted to see what happened when the meteor struck earth and you were wiped out – that is going to be wiped out – I didn’t expect that you would have an entire society.”

I glanced towards the hole in the wall.

“The truth is you are not going to have a civilisation if you cannot cooperate. Since I am stuck here as well I’m going to try to help you.”

A diplodocus perked up its head, revealing a shit eating grin.

“I am so sorry about that.”

“Are you the one that trampled my time machine? You are clearly not.”

The entire section of the auditorium burst into laughter.

“OK. Shut the fuck up. We need to build a giant laser. I know you have cannonballs but were going to need something even bigger.”

A compsognathus screeched :

“I can’t even see a fucking meteor.”

Jesus, for a tiny fucking thing they have loud screechy voices.

“Ok well that’s a good thing. It means we have time.”

“Well I haven’t got time for this shit, I’m going to get drunk.”

It did a little somersault and fucked out through the new emergency exit.

A stegosaurus cleared her throat.

“What is it madam?”

“Pardon me sir.”

“What?”

“I did think this was going to be funnier. Also I can’t be arsed. You’re not going to make me do this.”

“I’m not making you do anything but a meteor will make you dead.”

“Fuck off.”

She slowly hobbled out the hole in the wall too.

Maybe I could make this laser by myself. Actually why do I bother? Fuck it.

Chapter 2

So Mr Blinnstein this is why we have selected you for this particular time mission.”

What? I wasn’t listening?”

Err… It doesn’t matter.”

So is time travelling isn’t like being an astronaut? I don’t need to know how to build the machinery? What if something goes wrong?”

Nothing will go wrong sir as long you follow our directives precisely. According to all fossil records you will be dropped in a low risk area with no threatening prehistoric life.”

Ok, so there will be nothing there? I kind of wanted to see some dinosaurs.”

No there won’t be any dinosaurs in your vicinity. We didn’t want to risk your life.”

Aww lame.”

Yes, but time travelling is still a once in a lifetime opportunity, yes?”

I suppose so but given how often you send people out. I sometimes think, hold out for a better one?”

Although the headlines makes it seem like a lot of people go time travelling realistically it is still a very slim chance.”

Too many to train though?”

For this particular mission, no training is necessary. You see this is a very low risk mission and no injuries in the 5 years we have been conducting these experiments.”

Just point the camera at the meteor.”

Yes”

Ok, got it.”

Chapter 3

“Mother fuckers, if anyone is even the little bit convinced we could die from a meteor, you should come with me we’ll climb a mountain and we might be alright.”

“What about the laser beam?”

I scanned the room and found a giant tortoise.

“Oh. I have no idea how to build one.”

“Me neither but it sounds fascinating.”

“What can you build?”

“Little nests for eggs in the sand.”

“Ok well I think it’s nothing like that.”

“Darn.”

“Do you want to climb a mountain with me?”

“No, I ain’t great at climbing. Plus I get the feeling I’m going to be alright.”

“Fuck, ok. Yes you probably will do, to be fair.”

“Sound.”

That put a little smug look on the massive tortoise.

A giant massive spider crab rattled its weird claws.

“Yes sir?”

“Can I come up the mountain as well or build a laser beam or whatever we’re doing?”

“Huh ok.”

“What are we doing?”

“I don’t fucking know man.”

“Right what’s your name mate?”

“Speckles”

We were outside the auditorium and some young-ling afrovenators were throwing ice cream cones at us.

“Ahh little shits.”

Speckles was hastily forcing them into his gob. Fuck are they helping us? The sneers on their little faces suggested otherwise, as did their little giggles.

Shit I’ve picked a winner.

Chapter 4

Off we go wandering fucking aimlessly around trying to find the bits of the teleporter.

“Is this it?”

Speckles beckons me and it’s another fucking mollusc.

“No, Speckles.”

Months pass. No sign of a meteor. Speckles is fucking dead. I killed him. No, I wish. Giant spider crabs just die without any warning. We had quite an impressive pile of useful bits of teleporter. Some fucker decided to bury them all all over the place.

I don’t think it was sabotage, I think it was some misguided survival instinct. Some prehistoric squirrel is going to starve to death most likely.

I spent too long surviving off bits of bark and my insides gave up. I shit most of them out, roll over and die.

Chapter 4

Hey guys did Mr Blinnstein get back?”

A scientist in jeans lazily thuds down his transparent lunch box with rice and bananas mixed together.

Who’s Blinnstein?” a freckly young woman lost attention from her yoghurt pot lid.

That guy we sent back to the time where all the dinosaurs get smashed up by a meteor.”

That’s so dangerous. He’s probably dead in about 50 ways.”

Yes but he’s not supposed to be. They’ll probably take this time machine stuff off of us now.”

Huh, it was getting boring anyways.”

Yeah you’re right. It was boring after about 15 minutes. It’s pretty pointless as well.”

Yeah. So what we just go back in time and find out something is wrong but we can’t even prove it because anecdotal evidence blah blah blah.”

We should find his family or something.”

Nah pay somebody else to do it.”

Chapter 5

I am Pibot. I am a human being named after the ill fated private investigator robot Pibot. I am a private investigator. I have been tasked by the time travelling organisation ‘HER MAJESTY’S TIME TRAVELLING ORGANISATION OF THE UNITED KINGDOM’ to find the family of Mr Blinnstein.

Woops that’s enough of that. I’m in my car here we go.

I like driving left and right between both of the lanes without looking where I’m going. Being a man named after a failed private investigator robot and then becoming a failed private investigator robot is a fucking funny way to live. Until you remember you are a human. Then the mess really starts.

I can’t wait to turn 18 then I will be a man. Yes I know, I lied in my introduction. Being a private investigator requires that sometimes.

Let me tell you a story.

About 15 minutes ago I got a phone call from the time travelling people. They like robots better than people. They are really probably really preoccupied with time travel things because they don’t know the original Pibot DIED 30 years ago.

As soon as I accepted the job I stole the car and I will crash the car because I don’t give a fuck.

If I am arrested they will have to pay the court charges because they hired me. Because I charge hourly I’m making no rush in finding Mr. Blinnstein’s family.

Suddenly Pibots car gets derailed by an uncovered grid and crushes some woman between the car in the building. Pibot flies through the windshield of his car and the 1st floor window of the office building he crashed into and does a somersault before landing face first DEAD on the floor. His corpse spits out all his teeth. They fall into a pattern on the floor. One insipid onlooker notices they spell out the words:
STUPID CUNT.

Chapter 6

We are back at ‘HER MAJESTY’S TIME TRAVELLING ORGANISATION OF THE UNITED KINGDOM’ with our old friends the scientists with the lunch.

“Oh shit so the private investigator died?” Lady says opening another yoghurt.

“Yeah” says Guy.

“How?”
“Well basically he crashed his car.”

“So he couldn’t find Mr Blinnstein’s family?”

“Well I had to hire another private investigator and according to him he found the only surviving relative of Mr Blinnstein almost immediately, then stole her car and smashed it into her killing her in the process.”

“Why do you only hire male private investigators? 50% of them were fucking wank.”

“Those were the only ones named Pibot.”

“Oh shit, fair enough. Well, okay what do you think about trying to find Mr Blinnstein? His mum is dead now and I feel kind of bad.”

“Yes but he’s probably dead too and I don’t want to risk it.”

Chapter 7

“So what’s your name?”

“Pibot”

“You have a story for me Pibot?”

“Yes the time travelling place hired me to investigate one of their timestroneers family.”

“What happened?”

“The timestroneers entire family were murdered by a man they hired an hour before they hired me.”

“Who is he?”

“I don’t know but he’s dead.”

“What happened to the timestroneer?”

“No sign of him, still in there I reckon.”

“When did the timestroneer go in there?”

“Two hours ago according to their front desk.”

“YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME SO RICH YOU LITTLE CUNT BAG.”

“Sure, whatever no worries.”

“MY NAME RITA WRITESBOT THE 3rd UP IN LIGHTS. EVERY OTHER REPORTER IN THE GUTTER.”

“Can I have a lolly ice?”

“Yes of course sweetie. Do you want to suck on my titties?”

“Fuck, why not?”

“Yes ok.”

“What?”

“Nevermind.”

Chapter 8

So here we are in an office building. Rita’s here with a soggy bra and so is a wide eyed office worker with bits of glass in his hands.

“So how exactly in the fuck did he manage to spit his teeth spelling out the words STUPID CUNT after he perished?”

“I didn’t get a chance to ask him.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s dead.”

“Yes but he died hours ago. Do you not have the common sense to perform a séance?”

“That shit never works.”

“Do you want to bet you fucking smart cunt?”

“What?” Ol’ Wide Eyes was now disinterested but also a little intimidated.

Rita ignored that and shoved him into a closet pulling out a mini séance kit and chanted:

“Spirits speak to me, we wish to know what happened.”

An apparition of a spider crab appeared out of nowhere.

“Right so what happened was we were trying to build a laser and also to climb a mountain but at the end of the day basically all we managed to do was go looking for molluscs. It started off alright but then I got bored so I died. That’s what happens.”

The apparition disappeared.

Ol’ Wide Eyes looked smug.

“Told you that shit never works.”

“What are talking about? It clearly worked. Clearly this was a demonic possession. Did you not just see that giant demon crab? The question is who exactly was possessed by a demon in this mess of a goldmine of a news story.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Fine, I’ll ask Pibot. Do you want a blowjob?”

“Of course.”

Chapter 9

Rita opened up the séance and Speckles reappeared:

“Ahh hello again.”

“SILENCE DEMON. You possessed Mr Blinnstein?”

“No I helped him build a laser.”

“What happened to him?”

“I don’t know I died.”

“What from?”

“Err I got bored.”

“So no meteor?”

“No meteor”

“I like you, what’s your name?”

“Speckles!”

“Nice to meet you Speckles”

Chapter 10

“Prime Minister Cupps?”

“Yes who is speaking?”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP PRIMIE. You know it’s Rita. I have been speaking with a dead crab and basically I think that a timestroneer has gone missing and his family has been brutally murdered.”

“I shall organise a press conference at once.”

“No need we are already here.”

Rita pulled out a massive megaphone and aimed it towards the ‘HER MAJESTY’S TIME TRAVELLING ORGANISATION OF THE UNITED KINGDOM’ building.

“We believe you have MURDERED one of the timestroneers family because they got lost in the past.”

A small crowd started to form and Guy and Lady stumbled out the building.

“Hi what’s up?”

“WHERE IS MR BLINNSTEIN?”

“We don’t know we haven’t seen him in a while.”

“Well how do these time travelling things go?”

“We don’t know we’ve never been on one.”

“WELL GO AND FIND HIM IDIOT.”

Guy blushed. The prime minister stepped up.

“Well yes I really think you should find him or I will FINE you.”

Chapter 11

Guy shuffled his feet nervously. Lady looked like she wanted to cry.

“Guy, I don’t want to time travel it’s dangerous. Somebody got lost and is probably dead.”

“Well we’ll just do as little as possible.”

“Ok.”

They stepped into the time machine and a magical space time thing happened.

Guy looked into the sky.

“Well there’s no meteor so that’s not about to happen.”

Lady was kicking Mr Blinnstein’s corpse.

“He’s definitely dead.”

“Good, let’s go.”

Chapter 12

Outside of the ‘HER MAJESTY’S TIME TRAVELLING ORGANISATION OF THE UNITED KINGDOM’ building the press conference raged on.

“I regret to announce that the timestroneer is deceased.” Guy boomed.

“Well how did he die?” It was Rita.

“Great questioning” said Prime Minister Cupps.

“Shut the fuck up Prime Minister. Where’s the body?”

Lady realised she could do something helpful and get herself out of some trouble.

“Unfortunately since the body is covered in prehistoric bacteria there is no way we can bring the body but judging by the entrails and digested bark we think he excreted his internal organs due to boredom and overconsumption of bark.”

“So you couldn’t bring the body back because he was gross. You fucking dildo. I ought to wipe you off the face of the planet you fucking cunt.”

Rita was on it. Rita is always on it to be fair. Lady’s ploy had failed.

Chapter 13

Guy and lady were setting up the time machine and suddenly Lady was like:

“I don’t like how that bitch fucking spoke to me. Do we have to go to the prehistoric times to find his gross body.”

“Yeah, he was gross. Let’s go somewhere fun.”

“Yeah the sixties?”

“Nah too obvious they’ll be looking for us once they realised we’ve gone.”

Chapter 14

Six weeks later.

“Prime minister Cupps where the fuck has Lady and Rita gone?”

“I don’t know they’re probably dead.”

“They’ve escaped into the past somewhere. I’m going in after them.”

“No you can’t I’ve shut down the time machine program. Not only was it boring it was also expensive plus two sort of criminals fucked off into the past.”

“GOD DAMN IT. Okay.”

Rita awkwardly manoeuvred out of her way out of Prime Minister Cupps ridiculously full office. Seriously the guys like a fucking hoarder or something.

“Hello, yes is this Pibot? Yeah can you find the graves of Lady and Guy? They’ve escaped into the past somewhere. Ok, thanks.”

Rita pulled her knickers down and pissed all over the floor then threw the knickers into the piss and left.

Chapter 15

Two graves stood right next to each other.

One read Lady.

One read Guy.

They both said ‘We didn’t bang lol that’s gross.’

“Fucking pieces of shit.”

Both of the graves read ??? – ???.

“Ahh fuck the sneaky cretins.”

Rita started kicking the floor with the heel in a digging way. She kept speeding up and soon there was dirt everywhere.

Both Rita and Pibot were stood 10 feet lower than they were previously and there two smashed up fucking graves. Damn.

Rita made the corpses bang with pulleys, like a puppet show and lit them both on fire destroying them.

“Fuck you bitches.”

She slid a fully loaded golden revolver into Pibot’s pocket.

“Here’s your payment. I spent all the real money on this fucking thing.”

“What about carbon dating?”

“Yeah I don’t know about carbon but that was a will they won’t they I just solved. Hey haha!”

“What? Oh I just realised I don’t care.” Pibot walked off.

Chapter 16

Rita went back into work.

“Yeah, so when do I get paid?”

Her boss is a giant millipede called Antoine.

“Yeah, so what for?”

“What!?”

Rita explained what happened.

“Well that’s great but you didn’t write an article or record any of it and nobody is going to believe that pile of wank.”

“I’m sorry sir it will never happen again.”

“No make sure it does and fucking film it this time.”

“Oh sure yeah. I fucking hate writing stuff down.”

Chapter 17

So Rita broke into the old ‘HER MAJESTY’S TIME TRAVELLING ORGANISATION OF THE UNITED KINGDOM’ building and used the time machine to go back in time to the beginning of the story (because Prime Minister Cupps is totally full of shit, he always is) but this time filmed the entire thing.

This time it was exactly the same except there was another Rita filming the entire thing.

She dyed her hair a different colour because she realised she looked like a dickhead pissing all over the floor and stuff.

“UGH I HAT E DOING THINGS TWICE.”

Yeah, so she got paid but the new timeline wasn’t as interesting.

6 thoughts on “Snut snut – the book

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